Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
