i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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