let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
