I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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