you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
