u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
