Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
