I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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