Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
