Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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