I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
