I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
