Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize