I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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