Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
