She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
