i just had sex bonerless
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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