apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
