i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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