Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
