Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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