why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
