Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Randomize