I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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