Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
