Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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