i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Randomize
