Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
