rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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