He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
