in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
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