p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
