Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
