I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
