Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Randomize
