sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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