Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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