So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
