Is it normal to miss your booty call?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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