Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
