I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
