i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
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