i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
