Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Randomize
