does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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