she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize