He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
