Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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