I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
