I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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