my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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