i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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