do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
