I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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