im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Randomize
