i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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