just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
