Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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