I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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