I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
