she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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