I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
