in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
