Just mADE A PArabola og urine
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
