I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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