wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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