Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
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