Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
