I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
