i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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