Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
