i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
