Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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