dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
even my farts smell like vagina
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
